Mental Vacation

The tapping of my foot is like bad techno and irritating words.
Indecision and imagination have got me wound up like the words of two countries at war.
Torn apart like a rag doll, my heart falls to the sides where two dark angels dig to the core.
But there is no sustenance, for either of them.

Like flavorless salt I’m tossed to the street, trampled under foot rather than season for meat.
Hopeless romanticism of what might have been, I entertain a happy end for you and me.

We had history that meant something, and you’ve kept a piece of me that went missing long ago.
Like the ring that was supposed to take you home, it traveled a different road.
I’m not bitter, maybe I was just a quitter, I guess we’ll never know.
Still, you’ve comforted me in hard times and I pray our friendship continues to grow.

Divided in two, the dark angels’ thoughts brew.
The one on the left gives me hope while the one on the right says “you have no right”.
Wounded like a kicked dog, you’d have me flogged for the time I failed you.
But who’s to say that’s not fair with the impairment of your life that I’m responsible for.

I’ve loved you with all my heart except for the parts that had been given away.
Maybe I didn’t have enough to give.
My inadequacies were shown every day, in the way that we lived.
I hope one day a piece of your heart will manage to forgive.

I’ve left a path of destruction in many places I’ve gone.
With each decision I’ve made it always seems to hurt someone.

Maybe I should stop deciding anything at all, until the queue is so tall that people are checking my pulse.
A permanent vegetative state of emotion I’ve already been accused of, may be less painful than repetitive injuries to myself
and others.
Comfortably numb, blind, deaf, and dumb screaming on the inside like a trapped animal who’s about to succumb
to the hunter.
A swishing sound comes from around me as black turns to white and my vision starts to return.
My eyes water from the stuffy air that’s like nails in a coffin.
The swishing turns to tapping, the rapping and tapping of two objects in space.
My body is tense and my neck refuses to break.
I’m shaking but the feeling’s remaining like an overstayed house guest.
The tapping and shaking are in syncopation, and only then do I realize but with hesitation.
The bad techno never stopped while my attention was dropped.
It was just a mental vacation.


Separation Anxiety

Separated from you, my life has been shattered.
Filling my life with distractions but nothing seems to matter, but you.
All I want is to be close to you, but my actions have hurt you.
Broken and alone, no matter how many are around.
Reminded of the pain, I can’t go anywhere in this town.

Every song thats sung, every hum thats hummed,
Every pleasant aroma that crosses my nose,
reminds me of your presence and hands I would hold.
I crave your affection and your gentle touch.
How we’d lay in bed and youd give me that nudge.
I knew you wanted me to put my arms around you.
Without making a sound, your thoughts in my mind were found.

How I miss your love, like an angel from above,
you were sent to change me.
To rearrange my priorities, and teach me.
You should know that youve reached me.
And no one else has had that same ability.
Like counting the stars, an act of futility.

Deep in my soul, like a planted seed thats grown,
Amazing at times when it shouldnt have survived,
It flourished from your nourishment.
Akin to the waters of life, is your loving touch.
You are my wife.

A girl I know

I know this girl, who’s been mistreated, it seems by the world.
Worthless souls have drained her life, and convinced her that it’s their right.

Afraid of the woman she could be, they dig away until they see her,
Broken down, and falling on knees.

Telling her lie after lie, even pretending to cry.
They say whatever it takes, whatever it takes to claim their stake.

Standing on true passion’s shoulders, they regurgitate songs,
A farce in their heart, where no loving lyrics belong.

It’s wrong how they’ve treated you, and abused you,
you deserve more than the excuses they’ve given you.

But I see the strength inside you starting to grow,
each day that passes, continue to know,
there are people who love you and care for you,
people who will be there for you.

You’re a beautiful, independent woman you see,
Don’t just take it from me.
Ask my family, they remember from our history.

Tell yourself these things, and be true to yourself.
All the stress is not good for your health.
Remember the important things in life are not money or wealth,
It’s God’s gift from above, that passion we call love.

Heart Surgery

I wish I could cut you from my heart.
Just to get rid of every little part.
Tired of feeling this way.
Tired of feeling the pain.

Take the memories,
That have been so dear to me.
I don’t want them anymore,
No longer do they make me feel warm.

The hurt, it takes me,
While I sit here contemplating.
I don’t know what to do,
If I can’t be with you.

Get on with the operation,
Remove the memories and thoughts of our last vacation.
When everything seemed right,
and I could sleep at night.
I want it all gone,
I’m tired of feeling alone.

“Better to have loved and lost”,
is a farce in my book.
My heart is crushed,
just take a look.

It’s true it’s my fault,
the guilt is locked in my vault.
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
My broken soul is under duress.

Take the memories of you and me.
When we hugged and kissed on the beach at the sea.
Take them from my body and mind,
Take all traces and leave nothing behind.

Every moment with you,
once loved has now turned blue.
I’ve loved you with all my heart,
and I still do.

But the pain is too much to bear,
I’ve brought it on myself,
but it still seems unfair.

When you are completely gone from my heart,
it won’t feel like it’s being ripped apart.
But there won’t be much of it left,
I may answer the callings of my new friend, death.

Death could be more pleasant than this pain,
my life has passed by like the morning rain.
So take these memories of us.
Take the memories I wear as chains.

But don’t take them just yet,
I don’t want to make another decision that I’ll regret.
Let me hold you once more,
Fictitious moments behind my minds door.

Incredible Love

So, I was thinking about how incredible love is, and how it is able to grow beyond expectations. If the amount of love you’re able to give, depended directly on the size of your heart, then I conclude the size of the heart can be infinitely large.

I believe this to be true from my own experiences with love.
When I began loving my wife, I didn’t stop loving my family.
When I started loving her children, I didn’t love my wife any less.
My heart grew to accommodate the amount of love I was giving.
Then she gave me my first born son. I didn’t love my step children any less.
In fact, the love for my family was reinforced holistically. Then my daughter was born. My wife gave me the most precious gifts I would ever receive by giving me children.
With each addition to my family, I never loved any of them less. My love only grew.

I’ve also found love is powerful. Love is not mutually exclusive with other emotions. I can be upset or disappointed with someone but still love them as much as ever. Love can mend hurts and pains even when it’s difficult to do.
An illustration –
Two of my children, who I love infinitely, get into a fight and hurt each other. I don’t love the instigator any less. If one is completely at fault, I don’t love them any less. And by loving the one at fault, it doesn’t mean I love the hurt child any less.
Because love is not limited, I can give as much love to any one, and not deprive another.
Love knows no bounds, and I believe it is the most powerful force in the universe.

Being a Father

I’m unable to describe the amount of joy my children bring me.
Seeing my kids happy is one of the best feelings I get.
Watching them pretend, makes me proud of their imagination.
Watching them empathize, melts my heart.
Watching them cry, jerks my soul.
Watching them laugh, makes the world seem right.
I don’t need things. I don’t need possessions or riches.
I just need my family.
Before my toddlers were born, I had a discussion with a friend about my wife wanting more children.
I was doubting my ability to raise a baby, and in similar words he said, “you don’t know what you’re capable of until you have kids”.
I didn’t know how right he was.
Now I fear being separated from, and unable to protect them.
As I believe, no one could love them as much as I do.
I would lay my life down in an instant to protect my children.
Thank you God for these blessings.
They are my world.

Being a Step-Dad

I thought being a step-dad was tough.
Worried that ‘real’ dad would always be cooler, more fun, and loved more.
That the kids see it as a vacation from chores and responsibility.
But then I realized, I would spoil them the same way.
I would worry that ‘step’ dad is cooler, more fun, and loved more.
It’s got to be considerably more tough, for a dad without his children.
I’m thankful.